"Oh, that stuff never happens to me."
That's one of the most common things I say. Because it was, at one point in time, true.
You get the hiccups? I get the hiccups once every year or two.
Sickness? Like real bed-ridden look-miserable sickness? Once every few years.
I haven't fallen down in my adult life.
I've never had anything in a microwave explode on me.
I haven't burned myself in recent memory.
I have only dropped my phone (my old phone from 4 years ago) once.
I cannot remember the last thing I dropped something and it broke.
I cannot remember losing anything. Once I thought I lost my sweater, but it turned out that my cat had pushed it behind my dresser. I found it months later and rejoiced.
I don't misplace my keys. I seldom leave the house having forgotten something inside.
I fell on a man once, on a bus... this was 6 years ago.
I found it to be my superpower. I don't experience those mind-numbingly boring little life quirks that most people do. I don't even get splinters! Papercuts, I do get. I don't think anyone is immune to that hell.
I've never put clothes in the wash that still have something in a pocket.
Once I dropped my sunglasses in the toilet. So there's that.
But today, I realize I am losing my superpowers. In the same week as my microwave finally dies (after 26 faithful years of service), my iPhone craps out.
To be specific, it still works. But I cannot connect to a network. I can make calls, text, and surf the internet and use apps whilst on Wifi... but if there's no Wifi, I can't connect to the internet.
This is the beginning to my downfall. I can see it now. Next week I'll slip in the rain. The following month maybe I'll step on something and break it. Who knows, maybe I'll even leave my headlights on. Anything is possible now. I'm becoming normal.
Showing posts with label prose. Show all posts
Showing posts with label prose. Show all posts
Monday, 13 January 2014
Thursday, 9 January 2014
Thought of the Day: Dramatic TV Shows
I used to love drama. I used to constantly watch anything remotely dramatic on TV.
Somehow over the last few years, I've done a 180 spin and landed myself in a position where I can't watch more than one episode of a dramatic TV show.
I used to be able to watch The Walking Dead with fervour.
First few episodes of Breaking Bad? That was excellent stuff.
I'd watch Parenthood with my parents, discussing the different misfortunes that befell the characters.
The Sopranos? Couldn't get enough.
Now, I can't stand it. And I know precisely why. I can't watch dramas because they make me sad. I feel terrible after an episode airs. I feel emotional wrecked. I've gone through the wringer, and my soul is the victim.
Now, in my old age, I seem to gravitate towards shows that make me feel happy after they're over. The Office. Parks and Recreation. Community. Shows that make me laugh and giggle and enjoy the hot chocolate in my hands. Not stare at the screen in surprise and horror regarding whatever main character did to a supporting cast member.
My frail heart can't handle the drama. I have enough drama in my real life, I don't need to see it depicted on screen as well.
This goes for film as well. I used to be able to enjoy a good dramatic film. Now, I would choose a brainless action movie or even comedy (though I think watching comedies in theatres are a waste of money) over a drama.
I think now with my fragile ever-changing emotions, I just need to know what I'm watching will make me feel good about myself, and make me feel like filmmakers and TV producers feel the same way: they also want to make people feel good.
Somehow over the last few years, I've done a 180 spin and landed myself in a position where I can't watch more than one episode of a dramatic TV show.
I used to be able to watch The Walking Dead with fervour.
First few episodes of Breaking Bad? That was excellent stuff.
I'd watch Parenthood with my parents, discussing the different misfortunes that befell the characters.
The Sopranos? Couldn't get enough.
Now, I can't stand it. And I know precisely why. I can't watch dramas because they make me sad. I feel terrible after an episode airs. I feel emotional wrecked. I've gone through the wringer, and my soul is the victim.
Now, in my old age, I seem to gravitate towards shows that make me feel happy after they're over. The Office. Parks and Recreation. Community. Shows that make me laugh and giggle and enjoy the hot chocolate in my hands. Not stare at the screen in surprise and horror regarding whatever main character did to a supporting cast member.
My frail heart can't handle the drama. I have enough drama in my real life, I don't need to see it depicted on screen as well.
This goes for film as well. I used to be able to enjoy a good dramatic film. Now, I would choose a brainless action movie or even comedy (though I think watching comedies in theatres are a waste of money) over a drama.
I think now with my fragile ever-changing emotions, I just need to know what I'm watching will make me feel good about myself, and make me feel like filmmakers and TV producers feel the same way: they also want to make people feel good.
Monday, 6 January 2014
Thought of the Day
Doctors who think putting something into someone's eye is easy, are morons.
Specifically, my vet thinks putting ointment into Luna's eye THREE times a day, is easy.
There are a few obstacles that I have encountered.
Specifically, my vet thinks putting ointment into Luna's eye THREE times a day, is easy.
There are a few obstacles that I have encountered.
- She has claws and doesn't mind using them on me
- She has teeth and doesn't mind using them on me
- She has these sad questioning eyes that make me feel like the betrayer of all her trust
- She makes this sad hrrmmmhmmm noises
- The stupid ointment applicator tube is impossible to unscrew with one hand
- The dumb ointment applicator tube squeezes out either too much product, or not enough
- The idiotic ointment comes out in a swirl, as opposed to a line of product that is impossible to apply
- She has claws and doesn't mind using them on me
In addition to these things, I am on my own in trying to hold her down and apply this ghastly stuff. I've gotten some on me, it stinks. I'm sure it stings her, makes her vision blurry, and shakes her faith in humankind.
No one can help me. I have to somehow wedge her adorable little body between me and the floor, use one hand to force her eye open, and the other to somehow unscrew the tube, keep the tip from getting contaminated (so it can't touch ANYTHING), then squeeze it quickly into her eye before she realizes what's happening, jumps up, bites me, attacks, whatever.
Three times a day? Yes, Miss Vet, sure. That'll happen. With all the trust I'm breaking, you're lucky I get one full application in there.
Then I take a look at my poor kitty, see her eye weepy, and fear her eyeball will just explode. So I suck it up. I try my best. I wear my battle wounds with pride.
Thursday, 2 January 2014
Thought of the Day
I am more and more becoming a crazy cat lady.
I have a song that I sing when I'm feeding Luna. It goes: "Yummy yummy yummy in my tummy tummy tummy." This crazy tune continues until she finishes eating and gives me a head-tilt. She knows the score. She isn't the one that's nuts.
I often misplace things (that comes with owning a cat too, right?) and end up asking her, directly, if she's seen said things. I get another adorable head-tile and sometimes a low hrrm-hrrroo.
It's when I am sleeping that I realize I have truly lost it. I sleep in a twin bed next to a wall. Whenever she crawls under the covers with me, I will literally bend over backwards so my 'little baby' is comfortable. She pulls some cirque-du-soliel shit beside me whilst I'm clinging to the edge hoping I won't fall out.
Finally succumbing to the wiles of my adorable kitty, I settle for the corner of my bed. Any child would be scolded. Any normal animal would be chastised then promptly pushed to the floor. Somehow, in my mind, I have concocted stories of how she will resent me should I punish her.
She's only a year old. Sigh.
I have a song that I sing when I'm feeding Luna. It goes: "Yummy yummy yummy in my tummy tummy tummy." This crazy tune continues until she finishes eating and gives me a head-tilt. She knows the score. She isn't the one that's nuts.
I often misplace things (that comes with owning a cat too, right?) and end up asking her, directly, if she's seen said things. I get another adorable head-tile and sometimes a low hrrm-hrrroo.
It's when I am sleeping that I realize I have truly lost it. I sleep in a twin bed next to a wall. Whenever she crawls under the covers with me, I will literally bend over backwards so my 'little baby' is comfortable. She pulls some cirque-du-soliel shit beside me whilst I'm clinging to the edge hoping I won't fall out.
Finally succumbing to the wiles of my adorable kitty, I settle for the corner of my bed. Any child would be scolded. Any normal animal would be chastised then promptly pushed to the floor. Somehow, in my mind, I have concocted stories of how she will resent me should I punish her.
She's only a year old. Sigh.
Saturday, 16 February 2013
A Realistic Job Post
Hi. My name is Nicole and I want a job.
To be honest, I'm not experienced. At all. But I really hope you'll give me a chance. Just because I don't have work experience doesn't mean I'm not qualified. Let's make sure we make the distinction...
I haven't worked in the Technical Writing field at all, ever. But I'm in school for it now and have been for about a year and a half. This means it's fresh in my mind and I've been working on building my skills consistently.
To be honest, I'm not overly fond of people. This is why I'm going into a technical field... because there probably isn't an overabundance of socialization and having to deal with marketing to people. Now this isn't to say I can't cozy up to people if I like them. I can't be very fun and very cool, but not all the time. For example on a Monday morning (which for me is anytime before 10am) any conversation may just totally slip over my head. But don't confuse my grunts for rudeness. This is simply me saying 'I'll get back to you on that thought later.'
So yes, if you want to make a resume-appropriate line for that, I can work well independently but also flourish alone.
To be truthful, I'm not the perfect candidate. I probably won't show up for work on time every single day for 15 years. You'll be lucky if I stay in the same company for 5. I will take sick days even if I'm not actually sick. Well, while I'm being truthful... I'll call them 'mental health days' (which every company should offer). This is just when I cannot psychologically or emotionally deal with all the work bullshit and just need a day to myself.
Truth be told, I will probably not like my boss very much. I will probably make obscene faces every time they turn around. This isn't because he/she is a bad person. It's because I don't like being told what to do. At least not without a reward.
Speaking of rewards, it'd be great if I could get paid a decent salary. Yes, I know I have no experience. I know I'm not tried, or tested. But there are things I can promise anyone:
Regardless of whether I hate the job or not, I will do it. I will finish each and every task to the best of my ability.
I will do my best to show up on time, to be courteous and kind, to go to meetings and I'll try to stay awake, and I will learn to make a coffee if that's what my boss wants.
If I fail at something or if something isn't right or isn't good enough, TELL ME and I will do all that I can to improve. This includes taking extra courses, spending more time on the project, or asking for help. I'm not so high on my horse that I can't ask for help if and when I need it.
I will do all these things without overtly grumbling. I will take my grievances home and not slander or libel the company in any way. Because that's petty and I hate pettiness.
Other than that, I can't make any more promises. I will say it's part of my personality that I do put a lot of effort into things. I am lazy in that I don't like to get out of bed on a cold winter morning. I am lazy in that I'll leave dirty socks on the floor for about 3 days before putting them into the hamper. But I am also OCD.
Things have to be organized. They have to be filed and foldered in colour-coordinated perfection. This may be of benefit for any technical company.
I know the value of organization. And I am very organized. I can also type ridiculously fast. Is there any job where all I do is type all day? A job that doesn't require a PhD? That'd be great, please let me know. Because I can do that job and probably beat anyone's ass at a typing test.
But seriously now, I am looking for a job. A full-time, permanent position. I want to be paid more than I'm worth. I want the 2 week vacation and mental health days and a nap room and massage chairs in the break room and a cool boss and coworkers that aren't 3 generations older than me. While I'm asking for things I want, I also want a unicorn. World peace too, I guess.
Isn't that what everyone wants? To get a 'cool' job where their coworkers are awesome and boss isn't demanding? The pay is great and it isn't like a sleazy porno production company or something?
I'd love to find a job I could be proud of. I could say with my chest puffed out that 'I work at _____!!' Notice that double exclamation? That's my pride.
So yes, I am qualified. I can do it. But will anyone give me a chance? Not just looking at my resume. It's bland and contrived and maybe less impressive than average. Spunk doesn't translate on paper. I wish people could just give novices chances like they did in the 'olden days.' But these are the days where everyone has a BA and any fool can use a computer.
I'm asking for a chance. Honestly, just let yourself be surprised by my ability. I can't say I'll pick it up immediately... it may take me a month or 3 to get used to the flow of things. But I am eager. I can do it. I want it. And frankly, if I'm unemployed for long enough, I will desperately need it.
Thank you,
Nicole
To be honest, I'm not experienced. At all. But I really hope you'll give me a chance. Just because I don't have work experience doesn't mean I'm not qualified. Let's make sure we make the distinction...
I haven't worked in the Technical Writing field at all, ever. But I'm in school for it now and have been for about a year and a half. This means it's fresh in my mind and I've been working on building my skills consistently.
To be honest, I'm not overly fond of people. This is why I'm going into a technical field... because there probably isn't an overabundance of socialization and having to deal with marketing to people. Now this isn't to say I can't cozy up to people if I like them. I can't be very fun and very cool, but not all the time. For example on a Monday morning (which for me is anytime before 10am) any conversation may just totally slip over my head. But don't confuse my grunts for rudeness. This is simply me saying 'I'll get back to you on that thought later.'
So yes, if you want to make a resume-appropriate line for that, I can work well independently but also flourish alone.
To be truthful, I'm not the perfect candidate. I probably won't show up for work on time every single day for 15 years. You'll be lucky if I stay in the same company for 5. I will take sick days even if I'm not actually sick. Well, while I'm being truthful... I'll call them 'mental health days' (which every company should offer). This is just when I cannot psychologically or emotionally deal with all the work bullshit and just need a day to myself.
Truth be told, I will probably not like my boss very much. I will probably make obscene faces every time they turn around. This isn't because he/she is a bad person. It's because I don't like being told what to do. At least not without a reward.
Speaking of rewards, it'd be great if I could get paid a decent salary. Yes, I know I have no experience. I know I'm not tried, or tested. But there are things I can promise anyone:
Regardless of whether I hate the job or not, I will do it. I will finish each and every task to the best of my ability.
I will do my best to show up on time, to be courteous and kind, to go to meetings and I'll try to stay awake, and I will learn to make a coffee if that's what my boss wants.
If I fail at something or if something isn't right or isn't good enough, TELL ME and I will do all that I can to improve. This includes taking extra courses, spending more time on the project, or asking for help. I'm not so high on my horse that I can't ask for help if and when I need it.
I will do all these things without overtly grumbling. I will take my grievances home and not slander or libel the company in any way. Because that's petty and I hate pettiness.
Other than that, I can't make any more promises. I will say it's part of my personality that I do put a lot of effort into things. I am lazy in that I don't like to get out of bed on a cold winter morning. I am lazy in that I'll leave dirty socks on the floor for about 3 days before putting them into the hamper. But I am also OCD.
Things have to be organized. They have to be filed and foldered in colour-coordinated perfection. This may be of benefit for any technical company.
I know the value of organization. And I am very organized. I can also type ridiculously fast. Is there any job where all I do is type all day? A job that doesn't require a PhD? That'd be great, please let me know. Because I can do that job and probably beat anyone's ass at a typing test.
But seriously now, I am looking for a job. A full-time, permanent position. I want to be paid more than I'm worth. I want the 2 week vacation and mental health days and a nap room and massage chairs in the break room and a cool boss and coworkers that aren't 3 generations older than me. While I'm asking for things I want, I also want a unicorn. World peace too, I guess.
Isn't that what everyone wants? To get a 'cool' job where their coworkers are awesome and boss isn't demanding? The pay is great and it isn't like a sleazy porno production company or something?
I'd love to find a job I could be proud of. I could say with my chest puffed out that 'I work at _____!!' Notice that double exclamation? That's my pride.
So yes, I am qualified. I can do it. But will anyone give me a chance? Not just looking at my resume. It's bland and contrived and maybe less impressive than average. Spunk doesn't translate on paper. I wish people could just give novices chances like they did in the 'olden days.' But these are the days where everyone has a BA and any fool can use a computer.
I'm asking for a chance. Honestly, just let yourself be surprised by my ability. I can't say I'll pick it up immediately... it may take me a month or 3 to get used to the flow of things. But I am eager. I can do it. I want it. And frankly, if I'm unemployed for long enough, I will desperately need it.
Thank you,
Nicole
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